[upbeat R&B music] - What's up, everybody?

We are back with another season of Fatherhood, where we aim to uplift voices and redefine legacy by highlighting the strength, sacrifice and stories of Black fathers shaping our communities every day.

Today's conversation centers on a group that is often misunderstood, overlooked or judged.

We're talking about teen fathers.

For many young men, becoming a father at an early age comes with unexpected responsibility, pressure, and a lot of growing up to do in a short amount of time, but behind the stereotypes are real stories of young men stepping up, learning and doing their best to provide love, guidance and stability for their children.

Joining us today are three young fathers who are writing their own stories of responsibility and resilience, Damous Hailey, Thao Calvin and Carlos Irving.

I thank y'all for being here, how y'all feeling?

- Feeling good.

- Feeling good?

Okay, y'all ready to talk?

- Yes, sir.

- Okay, okay.

Well, let's take it back to when you first found out that you were gonna be a father.

What were those emotions like?

What were the things that were going through your mind at that moment?

- I was just like, I gotta really step up now, like, some of the things that I'm doing ain't acceptable no more.

- Okay.

- Now that my son here.

- Yeah.

- You got more to think about.

More to care for.

What about you?

- I'm just like, I was just thinking like how a 15 year old boy going to raise a baby and he's still a baby himself.

- Mm-hm.

- He don't even got money to really just do for himself.

He still depend on mama.

Mama still putting clothes, food and everything on his back.

So I'm just thinking like how I'm going to raise a baby and I'm still a baby myself.

I barely even know half of the stuff.

So like I was just thinking like I was just one of them kids I was like, I just had to do more than what I was doing.

And then I would just put myself in situations to like get me in places I ain't want to be.

So I had like, I had to step up and be a better person than what I am now.

- Had to make a change.

- I had to make a change.

Yeah, most definitely I had to make a change.

- Okay.

Thao, what about you?

- Man, when I first found out, I found that out I dropped my phone.

I couldn't even speak.

I couldn't speak.

- You were shocked.

- Yeah, I was shocked.

But after a while it was like, okay.

So I got to step up like what he said, I got to really, some of the stuff I'm doing ain't acceptable at all because I want my son to be better than me.

And I was just thinking, I was just thinking I was 18.

- Okay.

- How am I going to balance this with school, ball and having a son?

But I got a village behind me, my mom, my sister, her side of family, her grandma.

Everybody really been helping me getting to where I want to be and make sure he good and straight.

- Okay, well that's good.

I appreciate y'all sharing that.

Go ahead, go ahead.

- Like see me, you see like how they said how both of them just said they got sons, right?

See me I don't got no son, I got a daughter.

- Yeah, me too.

- So that makes it even harder for me.

Cause you got to think about it like when she grow up it's like you got to think about the people that she talking to and the people that she dealing with.

- Yeah.

- If she see you, if she see how you act and how you move and how you react to certain things, she'll think that's a good person for her.

She'll think like that's the type of person that she needs to go find to talk to.

But in reality it's not because that type of person don't really got nothing going for his self, he still stuck.

He still got a kid mind.

So like that's the type of stuff I look at having a daughter.

- Yeah, I feel like it's the same with my son.

See me, I grew up good, but certain stuff in my life that had happened put me, put me out there to where I started hanging around the wrong people, started getting off track with basketball and stuff like that.

But for me, I say I have to, my son I want to, I don't want my son to grow up in Memphis.

- Me either.

- I don't want my son to grow up in Memphis.

Not saying there's something wrong with the city, but it's whole lot of stuff going on in the city to where like it ain't no place to raise no child.

- No, it ain't though.

- Especially you trying to raise him to be good, noble and disciplined, a disciplined person, I don't feel like this city good, but this city do build character.

That's why I am glad I'm from Memphis.

It made me who I am.

- I feel like, you know, it's how you raise him, how you act towards this person, how you act towards the mom of your son.

- Yeah.

- How you act towards yourself.

I feel like it's just that.

- It ain't just about you though.

It's about your partner too though.

It's about how they act.

It's about how they, how they put they self off to you though.

It ain't just about how you come to them, about how they put their self off to you.

Cause some, because some of these, some of these female parents like they don't just want to, they don't want to just be co-parent.

They want to actually be together and raise the baby with you like they don't be wanting, like they don't just be wanting to do it by theyself though.

And some females let their take over and they put them in their feelings and they make them act a certain type of way towards you.

So they make you, they make you lack, they make you lack of confidence.

They make you like fall back like she ain't trying to let me see the baby like nothing like they make you fall back.

- Well let's talk about that.

So when you bring up situations like that and other forms of adversity that y'all face during this, you know, short period, right?

What changes do you make?

How do you approach those situations so that your child is not impacted in a negative manner?

- It's all about conversation though.

Like if you not like if you not the bigger person, if you not trying to be the big person, I'm not even going to say if you not the bigger person.

If you not trying to be the bigger person in the situation to have that conversation, it'll never work.

You'll put yourself in a situation to where you got to go downtown and get 50/50 custody and it shouldn't even have to be like that.

You shouldn't even have to pay to see your daughter or your son when you can just have a conversation with the parent and then y'all can get on the same track and then that's when y'all can get 50/50 cus- 50/50 custody.

You shouldn't have to pay to have 50/50 custody.

Like there should be already an establishment that y'all got going on, but it just some parents, like it just, you just bring a female into something like she ain't ready for, like she's still young just like you, like y'all both young, but it's just you a male so like you get put in this situation to where you got to step up.

She'll still act young still run around here, but you around here struggling trying to be a man, trying to do different for yourself for your daughter or your son.

But she still act this way.

It make it hard on you.

- Yeah, yeah.

Damous, in your when, you know, when we were having our pre-interview conversation, you mentioned that your son was your twin, right?

He's your twin.

So when you look at him, I'm curious, when you look at him do you see that boy that you just were a few short years ago and also beyond that, what do you want to give him that you might not have had at that age?

- Real question.

- I do see the little boy that I was in him and I want to give him everything that I wasn't able to get.

So right now I'm just trying to, you know, improve myself, make myself better, you know, for my son and for his future.

Going to school, because at first I wasn't even thinking about going to school.

I was going to go straight to the workforce.

But now I'm going to Moore Tech.

- Good.

- And that's something I really want to do and I'm really committed to doing it.

- Okay, I love it, I love it.

And Thao, you know, I know you're a hooper, right?

You play ball.

So how does balancing hoop life, school life, parent life, how does that work for you?

What are some things that you're doing to balance it all?

- You want to know something, it ain't even me.

- Okay, talk to me.

- It's my mother.

- Okay.

- My mama has been a big, a big part in this.

Like a real big part in this because I'm still trying to go to college.

- Okay.

- Like I'm fixing to go back prep.

I'm fixing go back to prep school.

But I say the biggest thing to balance everything is just don't procrastinate.

Just go ahead and get it done.

That's the- When my son was born he gave me a sense of urgency to get stuff done.

I need to go ahead and get this done.

Go ahead put this in motion.

I need to go ahead and get this stuff straightened out.

Like it put me in a mindset of, it gave me more motivation.

- Okay.

- Like I hoop every day, all day.

And when I come home to my son, it make me want to go back out there and work because I want to get him a better future, a better life than I had.

Even though my life, I can't just sit here and fake it like my life was the worst.

My life, I done been through since I had to grow up at a very young age at 13, but I just feel like balancing those things is, I'm still learning how to try to balance them.

I'm still learning.

It's still hard.

It's still days my body aching, but I still got to get up make his bottle because she tired.

I got to get him, feed him, change his clothes, give him a bath.

My body aching because I'm putting in, I'm going to the gym three, four times a day on top of that doing schoolwork, still studying, clean up around the house, doing chores, you know what I'm saying?

Stuff like that.

So it's just like it take a village.

When folks say it take a village to raise a child, it takes a village.

- I agree.

- It really take a city.

- Yeah, yeah.

- It really take a whole city to raise a child.

- And that's the case no matter what age you are when you have a child I tell you that right now.

- No age.

No age, boy.

But maintaining I'm doing it, I'm getting better at it.

- Okay.

- I'm getting better at it with time management and with procrastination, I'm getting better.

- Yeah, that's another thing.

You ain't, ain't nobody really never ready for no child.

They come with a lot of, you know, unexpected, a lot of new things, a lot of mental things that you ain't never experienced before.

So that's something I just had to get up out there.

Ain't nobody never ready.

No matter how much you, no matter how much time you prep for it.

- You can't get ready for that.

Waking up crying in the middle of your sleep, you think something wrong.

Yeah.

Can't nothing prepare you for that mentally.

- Yeah, there's no book on parenthood.

Not a good one at least.

One that fits every situation, I'll say that.

So I appreciate y'all sharing that.

Y'all are wise beyond your years.

I'm loving the conversation, loving the conversation, because quite honestly teen fathers are often left out of the conversation or assumed not to be involved in their kids' lives.

So I would love to hear y'all share a little bit about how it feels to carry that stigma and how you challenge that stigma.

The stigma being that teenage fathers are absent and not present.

- It give me a sense of pride because it's like- - You know that you're there.

- I know that I'm there.

When I walk in the room from being in the gym all day, my son lights up.

Lights up.

And I ain't going to fake it like being there, being a father, because my father, my father passed when I was 10.

He was in my life, but being there in my son's life is just, it's a feeling that you can't explain.

It's a over- It's like something that make you cry.

Like it's just- It's something I can't explain.

It's a feeling that is out of this world.

It's like winning the state championship, winning the finals.

- Yeah.

- It's something like that.

- You mentioned that you lost your father at the age of 10 and you're even separated from your mother during your early teens.

Right?

So how does that, how does that history of loss, how does that affect or drive your determination to be present in your child's life?

- At first it broke me.

At first it- I was all about basketball at one point.

And then when my father passed, it drove me deeper into basketball.

Then when I was separated from my mother for them years, I drew away from basketball because my mother was a disciplinarian.

My mama used to be on me all the time because my dad was sick.

My dad was in and out the hospital.

So when she went away it wasn't nobody but just me, my brother, my sister, and my nephew.

My brother, they're not coming how my mama coming behind school, behind being in the house on the right time.

So it really pushed me back a lot.

It really set me back a lot because I was doing things that I had no business doing at 13, 14.

- You had that passion for basketball though, right?

- Yeah, overly, but it was like- - There was something they were going to take you.

I see you- - But I was too hurt.

- Yeah.

- I didn't want to pick up a basketball.

I was hurt, like really hurt.

But it just, it gave me a sense of motivation towards the end.

Like when mama, when mom came home it gave me a sense of, okay, my mama back, it's time to get on there.

And plus when mama came back, she came back on it.

Like you going to sleep at this time, you gonna get up go because I wasn't going to school.

Momma, you gonna go to school.

You're not gonna go you're not gonna hang around these people no more, you're not doing none of that.

All this stuff gonna stop.

So when she came back, it was like, all right, bet.

It took me time to adjust, yeah.

I was sneaking out doing stuff like that, but it took me time to adjust.

And when I adjusted, it's like everything just started going smooth.

Everything, because I, everything just started going smooth.

It was just, it was a sense of relief when she came home because it was like, man, my sister taking care of my brother taking care of me.

It was a lot.

It a lot, but God, God get me through it.

- Amen, amen.

Well, I appreciate y'all sharing that.

And today we're also being joined by someone who once walked this same path.

Khalid became a father during his teenage years and now brings years of perspective, growth and wisdom to the conversation.

Khalid, thank you for joining us today and we appreciate you being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

So what I'd like to do is kind of start with the same question I asked them first.

You know, take us back to when you first became a father.

What were some of the biggest emotions and some of the biggest lessons you learned early on?

- Oh man.

The emotions was as the youngsters shared, there was it's like off the charts, you know?

[throat clears] I mean how can I as a 17 year old living with my mother take care of a child?

And being from this city, going through some of the same struggles that most of the youngsters go through in this city, you know it was hard.

- Yeah.

- It was hard.

But we made it do what it was supposed to do.

My family, I have an amazing mother, have an amazing mother and I have an actually amazing mother of my child.

She was an amazing woman, is an amazing woman.

And so we... we tried to stay together and raise a decent son.

- What I appreciate about your perspective is that you've experienced the full spectrum, right?

Having a child at 17.

- Yes.

- And losing a child as well in 2023.

So what I'd love for you to share a little bit about is you know if you were speaking to your 17-year-old self sitting right here on this panel and even to these young brothers here, what would you say to them about the preciousness of time?

- Oh man, I want to say this that what I do see is this is that there is a stigma about African-American men not being present, not being fathers.

There's a horrible stigma about us as men.

But what I do see is that these brothers are present.

And like we were having a conversation prior to this actual interview.

We were in the room and we were having a conversation together about... - Time.

- Time.

That's what we, yeah.

- Time.

- And so I expressed to the young brothers that the most precious thing that they can give their children is time.

Just being in their presence as a father is your time.

Your time so important to your children.

Not money, not shoes, not games, but your actual presence.

That is like the most important thing that a father could give his son or daughter.

And I commend these guys.

I commend these young brothers because they're there.

- Absolutely.

- And again, the stigma in the media, the stigma amongst just in this society is that African American don't step up.

African-American men don't step up.

But man, that's not what I see.

- Me either.

- That's not what I see, man.

That's not what I see in this city.

I see a lot of African-American men, I see a lot of young men, young adults, young teenagers.

These brothers, they're with their children, you know.

They're with their children and I'm real optimistic about the future for us as men.

- Future's bright.

- Yeah, no doubt about it.

- Future's bright.

And I love that you said that.

And you've also, now you've also had a child later, correct, in your late 40's.

- I have.

- So what are some things that you're doing differently now?

Obviously you're in a different stage of life, but what are some things that you're doing now that you would do, you know, that you wish you could have done back then when you first had your first born at 17?

- Just like I just kind of got to reiterate that like now I am a present father.

I have two young, young children at a older age and I'm present.

I'm a real hands on father.

- And got funds now.

- Yeah and yeah and the thing about being a older parent is that I'm more mentally prepared, more economically prepared to raise a child, you know?

- That means a lot.

- Yeah, it means it means major things.

But again, the most important thing is your time.

The most important thing that I can, I mean, I can't give you enough wisdom.

I can't give you enough advice, but your children really need your presence.

They need the guidance of their father and they need you to sit there and be there with them and do nothing and be bored.

And you know, give them the discipline that they need.

You know, and again, I commend these young brothers.

- And I do too.

- Because they're wise beyond their years.

- That's what I told them.

I told them they are very wise, very wise, very committed, and I love it.

And what I'd like to do now is kind of go around the horn because I think a common thread, common theme that we've heard is around a village, right?

And having people in your corner, right?

So imagine you're sitting across a young father who doesn't have that village, who doesn't have anybody in their corner.

What's one thing that you would like for them to take from this conversation that they can apply in their situation?

- I'd say, - Good question.

- It could be worse to you.

- It could.

- Everything could be worse.

Just keep going.

Keep going.

I'm telling you no matter what go on, no matter anything, keep going.

And that's with everything in life.

But I had so many setbacks with ball.

So, so many.

I'm supposed to be in college right now.

So many setbacks.

Bro, keep going.

Doors going to open.

I'm telling you.

Everything will get better.

I know it's going to seem like trash for the full minute.

Everything will get better.

I'm telling you.

- I love it, I love it.

- I just feel like, I just feel like, I just feel like God ain't put no man on this earth to give up.

I feel like he put every man on this earth for a purpose.

Like you got some type of role on this earth that he put you on this earth for.

So I feel like, so I feel like mine, like right now, like if I was left alone and I ain't had nobody, like I wouldn't give up.

But I'll still think like I have faith, I have effort, I have wisdom, I have like whatever, like whatever emotional feeling that you can name, I have it.

It ain't just going to be no, I don't got nobody.

I need this person for this.

I need this person for that.

But if you did have these people and you was going here and there asking these people for that, these people still got other stuff they got to take care of.

They got bills.

They probably got kids.

They probably got car notes, insurance they got to pay for.

So like you just can't never just go out here depending on nobody.

So like any person that just I feel I- That's how I honestly feel.

Any person that goes around and say they don't got nobody, just because they want, they want to have somebody, they need somebody.

They want somebody to look to the right or the left and they can ask them for something.

It shouldn't have to be like that.

You should be able to get your own, like you should be able to go out here and get your own.

Like you don't need nobody.

If this person standing right here on they two feet with you working for you, they going to flip their burger for you, they going to change their tire for you.

No.

Is you over there typing on the computer for them?

Them hours they putting in, the money they get.

No.

So why do you feel the need to go to the next person and ask them for it when you can get it yourself the same way they getting you can go out here and get it.

So I don't really feel like nobody should be out here saying they don't got nobody, they need somebody.

You got yourself.

You all you need is yourself.

- Most definitely.

- Damous.

- I'm the type of person.

I'mma go get it, whether it's knowledge, wisdom.

So I wouldn't even say that if my situation were worse I just let everything down the drain.

I'm that person that'll keep trying.

I'm that person there to do anything I can to get what I want.

And I want for my son to have a very great life.

- Yeah, yeah, he deserve that.

Khalid?

- So you know, my advice is as I listen have listened to the whole conversation is that the youngsters, youngsters should not look at your sacrifices of being a-- - He called us youngsters.

- You're a youngster.

Being a young father, because it got to be tough, man.

It's tough.

It was tough in the '90s, in the early 2000s.

It's tough.

Especially to be a teenage father, man.

And it's tough to be a teenage mother as well, just to plug the sisters.

But don't look at your sacrifices for your child or your children.

Like the brother was saying that it's so much he can't do as a basketball player.

He can't do as a man going to school because of your child, right?

You can't have as much fun, as much leisure time, right?

And I'm saying that you shouldn't look at those sacrifices as a bad thing or as a setback for you.

You know?

Those are like stepping stones.

Those are some things that could build some real character in you.

You know what I'm saying?

As a becoming an older man, becoming, you know, it just shapes you into being who you're supposed to be anyway.

So don't look at those, what you're going through now, you know, it could make you a better man later, is what I mean.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

And I think that's a very profound note for us to end the conversation on.

I really appreciate y'all being with us and sharing your experiences.

It means a lot to me and I know it's going to mean a lot to all the viewers that take the time to listen to what y'all had to say.

Fatherhood doesn't come with a perfect timeline.

For these young men the journey started earlier than expected, but their commitment to their children shows that responsibility, love and growth can begin at any age.

Damous, Thao and Carlos and Khalid, thank you for all sharing your stories with us today and thank you for joining us on another episode of Fatherhood where we continue to uplift voices and redefine legacy one story at a time.

[upbeat R&B music] [acoustic guitar chords]